Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Nine Months

*Present day*

When I found out that Eden was sentenced to nine months, I was relieved. I thought that nine months would be easy, that the time would pass quickly. It was better than a year or more, right?

Two months into it and I'm feeling quite depressed. Nine months doesn't seem to be passing quickly at all. I miss him so much. I hate that our contact is limited. I hate that I have no control over it.
I just wish he was here with me.

My mind bounces back and forth... while he's locked up, we're really bonding. This is a wonderful opportunity to re-establish a friendship. But what if the SOLE reason we are bonding is that he has no one else to talk to? If his feelings are amplified by those four walls? What if I'm just a prop to help him through the nine months, and as soon as he's released back into the big wide world he'll dive in to discover that he's more interested in all of the other fish in the sea?

"There's no one else." He said to me at one of our visits, without me even having asked a question. Sometimes I honestly think he can read my mind.

I'm confident that he'd never lie to me, and the fact of the matter is that right now there isn't anyone else, but that doesn't mean there won't be in the future... I've felt like this before, the last time we were together. I was constantly afraid that he would find someone else, completely aware of how hypocritical that was, considering I have always had someone else. 

The other week I received a phone call from another inmate, someone I didn't know. Eden had asked him to call me to let me know that he was locked in and wouldn't be able to call me for a few days. It was a really sweet gesture, it showed his thoughtfulness, he didn't want me to think that he just wasn't calling me. When I visited him that following weekend, he asked me:

"Did he tell you what I said?"
"Just that you were locked in because they found something in your cell." I replied.
"Haha, he didn't say it! I said to him tell her I love her!"
"No, he didn't say it."

I've been kicking myself ever since. Rather than have the courage to discuss the fact that he had just tried to tell me that he loved me, I brushed over it and kept on talking. I think part of me was annoyed that he'd chosen such a sneaky way to say it, instead of just telling me straight out. The poor man can't win.

Mostly, I wonder what would have happened if he wasn't in jail. If he didn't get locked up, then where would we be right now? And I think that's the scariest thought of all.

5 comments:

  1. I can only imagine the turmoil that you are in. There was a time in my life when I was once torn like you. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely

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  2. I'm curious as to why he gets 'locked in'? Just a nosey posey I know. Just think 2 down 7 to go!

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    Replies
    1. In this case, being locked in was punishment for having contraband. On a normal day they're allowed out of their cells, to use the phone, liaise with other inmates, go outside, etc. But on lock in days they are confined to their cells for the entire day.

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  3. I would have talked over it too. Not sure why. I guess cause I wouldn't know how to react?

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